i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
