he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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