sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
