Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
