"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize