turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
