Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
