my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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