I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
MIDGETS
????
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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