I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
