Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i love accidental penises.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
