Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
