I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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