He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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