You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize