Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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