ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
