You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
