No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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