Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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