Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize