I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
