I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
