I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
