You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
