Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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