I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
