My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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