Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Randomize
