The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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