Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize