you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
