just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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