Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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