Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
