Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
