how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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