we're chasing vodka with high fives
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
