Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
