i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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