AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
