my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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