He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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