there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
