my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
