i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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