I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
