I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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