apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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