I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
