my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
