No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
