How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
