Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
