He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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