His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
