yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
