no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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